This worked up example isn’t perfect by any stretch! It is my work, not from a student, and so it might give ‘middle aged mummy’ vibes rather than feeling like the authentic voice of a teenager. Nonetheless, I think it’s helpful for students to see how to structure a piece of personal writing and keep it focused on the topic.
For more on teaching personal writing, read this blog post, and download my free Personal Writing Guide for students which you can download here:
Write a speech for your classmates about the best gift you ever received.
The wind whipped around the front garden, gathering leaves into a mini tornado which whirled and swirled before me. Why was I sitting in front of the living room window, staring intently at the leaves, on this breezy autumn Saturday? Year 11, if I told you that this was the single most significant morning of my whole life, you might think I was exaggerating, but the truth is always much stranger than fiction. Come with me back in time to that momentous morning in October 2020 when I received the best gift a lonely, grieving young girl could ever have asked for.
Tips:
Don’t launch straight into the gift itself. Make the reader wait. Instead, set the scene. Try opening with the weather.
Address your listeners by name. Speak to them by inviting them into the story, e.g. Come with me …/Let’s journey back in time …/Imagine this …
Tips:
The reader wants specifics – when, where, what happened. Avoid being vague.
Use repetition to create structure in a paragraph. In this case, anaphora. ‘We all …’ is repeated three times.
This story doesn’t really begin on that Saturday, if I’m being perfectly honest with you. I have to go back further. It was March of 2020 and the world around me was beginning to crack under pressure. I was 12 years old and I was about to become alone in the world. I was about to lose two things that were most dear to me: my freedom and my favourite person. Yes, this story is not just my story; it’s one we all shared. We all watched the news. We all listened to the scare stories. And then we all listened as Boris broke us. He told us that Covid-19 was spreading too quickly to be contained, and that we all had to stay inside.
Yes, I know you are thinking: “So what?” This happened to everyone across the world. Stop being so selfish and look beyond yourself. But this is my story, so you have to give me a minute! I was 12 and my world was already small. It was just the girls: granny, mummy and me. The three musketeers, mum always said. She said it even when no-one listened, because it made her feel better about the state we were in. No money, no treats and no big family to spend time with. Just the three of us. That is, until Covid-19 viciously ripped away one of our triplet: my granny didn’t stand a chance against that new and determined demon.
Tips:
Suit your style to your audience – in this case, your class are your audience, so use a conversational, chatty style.
Create imagery through similes or metaphors. Here, a metaphor is used to compare covid to a demon.
Tips:
Be real with your reader; personal writing is meant to be personal. Describe emotions, thoughts and feelings to help your reader to bond with you and feel what you feel.
Vary your sentence length. Note the three one-word sentences at the end of the paragraph – the full stops create long pauses which slow it down and make it feel more significant and emotive.
We said our heartbroken farewells to Granny at Roselawn Cemetery on a wet April day. Frosty mornings were giving way to the brighter spring weather but we didn’t notice; we felt only loss and sadness. Granny had lived a good life, but it was cut short and I wasn’t sure I could ever get over it. Mummy was also devastated and when we got home that afternoon, the house seemed to mourn. The walls were the same but the air was different. Sadder. Heavier. Darker.
Ok, ok, I can hear you all losing interest. You want to know about the gift, right? Well, let’s fast forward a few months. The summer had passed quietly; I missed my granny more than I could really describe. It was the companionship, chats and giggles I missed the most. My friends kept mostly to themselves and the covid rules were still in place, so I never really met up with anyone. I chatted to friends on facetime every now and then, but I was mostly alone when my mum was at work, and when she came home, the loss of granny seemed even bigger in the house. Someone was missing and we couldn’t get over it.
Tips:
At this point, you might need to refocus on the topic – check the title and ensure you are moving towards a clear focus and a climax of the story.
Tips:
Here is a little distraction, or a red herring, to keep your audience engaged. It’s short and relatable and keeps the reader waiting for a moment longer for the big reveal, the best gift you ever received.
Mum texted me that Saturday morning. She told me to wait at the window for a surprise. I figured she had been quick off the mark to get some of those cinnamon swirls we kept missing from the bakery. Every Saturday, we slept in and they were always sold out by the time we got there. Maybe mum had been in luck today.
I saw her car pull up and she got out, empty handed. My tummy gurgled and growled with both hunger and disappointment: “No cinnamon swirl for me then,” I thought angrily. Why would she tease me like this!
Tips:
Give living attributes to anything you can (‘my tummy … growled … with disappointment’) to exaggerate feelings.
Tips:
Repeating an idea from the start is a great way to add structure – the echo back to the start reminds the reader of the setting in this case.
She moved to the back of the car and opened the boot. Those swirling leaves didn’t distract me now as I watched her carry a large cardboard box towards the house. What on earth was it? I met her in the hallway and I opened the box as she closed the front door. I couldn’t believe my eyes; a beautiful, golden Labrador pup looked up at me with big brown eyes that I will never forget. She was absolutely beautiful and I lost my heart to her then and there.
Year 11, I won’t bore you with how much I cared for her, played with her and spent every waking moment with her, but I think those of you who know me, know how much Maggie means to me. Maggie was my granny’s name, and now a part of her lives on in Maggie the pup. Well, she’s not a pup anymore but you know what I mean! Mags has taught me to have fun again. She gets me outside, reminds me how to laugh and most of all, she has brought joy and happiness back to our home that we thought was gone forever after granny died.
Tips:
Talk to the audience regularly through the speech. Remind the reader of the bond you have (‘those of you who know me…’).
Use triplets/groups of three (cared for her, played with her and spent every waking moment with her) to create structure and rhythm to your sentences. This is more enjoyable to read, almost musical in its sound.
Tips:
Go back to the title of the task – be very (very) clear that you are well focused on the main topic and have fully answered the task. Reflect at the end e.g. Looking back now …/I know for sure that …/This gift is …
Maggie the pup is, without question, the best gift I have ever, or could ever receive. I will never forget Granny Mags and she can never be replaced, but Maggie the pup is a brilliant friend who has picked me up and helped me keep going. Not only can I never forget my wonderful granny, but I will also never forget the kindness of my mum in seeing what I really needed in those lonely months and doing everything she could to get it for me, even though it came at a big cost to her pocket. Thank you, mum, for this amazing gift!
That’s all folks!
Thanks for reading, and please comment below if you have tips or suggestions on how to teach personal writing. We love to share ideas.
You can find the mark scheme for CCEA GCSE Personal Writing on p10-13 in this link.
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Feb 2023 edit: read this article, in which I get ChatGTP to write the same essay!
